A few
lines from one of my favourite poems of the childhood:
“I -
What?” Is that what you ask?
Naturally, unlike the way this poem ends, I
took the one already walked upon. I am no Robert Frost, and had enough doubts
in my head to risk everything for what I wanted(still want) to do. Where
did those doubts come from? Well, for a start, my own mind, because I could
never stick to doing something for long enough! This, in conjunction with my
parents, relatives and other society members who always thought that a well-paying
job is what I should be doing, was what propelled me to take the easy way out.
I say easy way out because of the lack of struggle I endured by walking upon a
clear(er) path. The path was already paved, and I just needed to follow in the
footsteps. ( Read JEE -> 4 years of IIT-> a well-paying but inversely
satisfying job->and here I am). “When you don’t struggle for it, you never
realize its worth”. True that. But I
realize what it might be for some people but what can I say, not for me, eh? However, easily put, I had the decision taken
for me by people around me. More so, when I needed support and sound advice, I
had a decision waiting for me.
However,
this is not a rant. I never rant. Trust me on that. Ok Sometimes I do, but this
is not one of them. As I already said, this blog has to be about me, and not to
mention only me. I will not blame anyone
because ultimately I am responsible for what my actions are and whatever
happens to my life. Somewhere, sometime it was I, who lacked the capability or
the courage to take a resolute stand and convey what I really thought to the
world. (See, exactly what I am doing! Though started a bit late, but never
mind! J )
As I grew
up, I have always thought about what I want to do with my life, something
everyone must have done, I assume. I explored various fields, tried to enjoy
them, if not abandon them and move on! However, whenever in deep thought I have
always found myself coming up with something definite, if not concrete, that I
want to do in my life. "Doing something which makes me feel really good
than something that makes people nearby me proud." as my profile defines
it. It looks such a simple sentence, and doesn’t lead anywhere, but still
that’s the barometer of anything I am or was planning to do.
I started
like the way most of people do in recent times. Worked hard in school, got good
grades, prepared for JEE, cleared, went to IIT, negotiated (tolerated would be
more precise) my way through the system, graduated in four years and ended up
with a nice paying and respected job (read IT job. Respected in India means
well paid, mostly.). In short, I did everything a guy of my stature was
expected to do and nothing I really wanted to do. And now, in this phase of
self-realization that it should not have turned out this way, I think I am
stuck in a place I don’t want to be in, in a job I never wanted to do, and with
people I never intended to be with, living a pretentious life, I never wanted
to be associated with.
What I
want to do then? I actually feel good when I am making a positive difference in
the society I live in. Idealistic and impractical you say? Never mind that but it’s
too early for you to judge! My definition of difference? Doing something that
shows a marked effect on the contemporary society. Be it in science, social
work, journalism, army, politics, economics or whatever. I want to be
remembered for more than being a “run of the mill” engineer,(Nobody remembers
them, nevertheless) something more than what is being expected of a normal IIT
grad nowadays, which ironically was the initial purpose of setting up of IITs.
When I am
so inclined and so clear in my ideology why am I not doing it? “I should simply
walk away from something that no longer interests me, no longer helps me grow or
make me feel happy” and instead just drop everything in the blink of an eye and
set out to do whatever I want. Right? But here is the catch. (Well it was kinda
expected) Simply put, I lack the courage and the strength to do so. This answer
is more complex than a simple statement.
I have
been brought up in an environment where security in life is paramount. So much
that even the stream of life is pre-determined. Your mind is drilled with the
idea of working towards securing the future. Unfortunately, due to whatever reasons,
a tiny part of this mentality has rubbed onto me as well. These thoughts have
created enough doubt in my mind not to pursue that on the drop of a hat. Moreover,
I have had bad experiences with impulsive decisions and that threatens to show
up in this endeavour too. I want to be sure that I have an absolute desire and
hunger to do this and won’t abandon it like I have done with many activities
before. Lastly I want to end up in a position that the failures won’t affect me
destructively. Call it fear or whatever but I guess that’s how I live by and it
works for me.
However,
that is not to say that I am not preparing myself for that ultimate goal. I am
working towards it in an organised way- consciously reforming myself, honing my
skills and learning new things every day. Practically, I cannot make decisions
based on passion itself. I need something concrete to back myself up. I need to
gain professional world experience to turn to in times of adversity. It’s true
that we should take risks but only when we are in a position to do so. I am
slowly but strongly building those foundations of contacts, experience and
expertise.
Of course,
when I tell people this is what I want to do, all of them are like, “Nah!
That’s impossible”, “only a lucky few are able to do what they like doing”,
“you are totally screwed if it doesn’t pan out correctly”. I love proving
people wrong about certain things and this is certainly one of them. Maybe in
coming 4-5 years I might be able to shift onto the “road less travelled” having
formed a bridge connecting the two of them. Hoping for the best!
P.S. do
comment what you think.
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